SURRENDER

It was the pipe that was taking me down, was it not?

Stepping over the line, tripped and got caught

The invisible thread cut through skin, then to flesh

Deep to the bone, making old wounds seem fresh

To distort, to justify, to take me away

Sacrificing spirit, emotional decay

Shrinking smaller and smaller, and I can’t stop it

Shaking going unseen until cause to drop it

Lost in the shadow of all that is wrong

Days without reason to even go on

Distorted in haze of thought and false emotion

Not able to unravel tight wound contortion

Pain only goes deeper with attempts to change

Process and patterns in jumbled rearrange

Alone and isolated with fears caving in

Weighted down, hopeless, will pulled thin

Medicating, escaping the only way to cope

The choice that deepens desperation, the thief of my hope

Then appears another way

A sliver of light representing a different day

Allow for surrender, reach out to start again

Open to a path where the darkness will end.

I was going through my poetry journal, I wrote this in June  2013 and finished it today (January 13, 2014). Feeling gratitude for the hope and faith the program of Narcotics Anonymous has brought to my life.

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Goodbye LETTER TO MY ADDICTION

This letter was written March 7, 2013 after the fourth week in House of Sophrosyne addiction treatment. As I type it I can see the emotion illustrated in my handwriting. I remember sitting down thinking I had no idea what to write, but I had put the letter off and it needed to be done, so I cleared my mind and the words hit the page in a fury…

I HATE YOU! Fuck off and leave me alone forever. I refuse to love you anymore. I won’t miss you or long for you because you don’t deserve an ‘ounce’ of my attention. You took my kids and convinced me to compromise my values and myself. My thoughts are changed and I have to work to exhaustion to drown out your voice. SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! Go far away and never come back. Just try to whisper with your provocative voice. Try to entice me with your glamour. The risk is no longer exciting to me, it is terrifying. Don’t dare take that sentiment and use it against me. Fear is no longer an excuse. Nor is sadness, grief, insecurity, hurt or any of those things you will try to exploit. Watch me celebrate without you the high that is life. The career you convinced me to put on hold is about to flourish. STOP TALKING!! I am not listening and when I choose to ignore you be highly offended because I am doing it intentionally to beat you down like you did me.

My spirit is here to extinguish you. My vital spark will see you burn in hell!

FUCK YOU! I WIN!!!

If you know me, you know I am rarely an angry person. I recall the rage that was building as I wrote this and then immediate relief when I finished. I wrote a quote on the page at the end. ‘Achievement without struggle isn’t rewarding’ Heather Fuher

 

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VOLCANIC BREEZES

I am the calm in emotional chaos

The reason in illogical thought

Insanity revolves around me

In this cycle where I like to be caught

 

I thrive in self destruction

In a whirlwind of ideas and fears

Masked in normality and function

Practiced and refined for years

 

A volcano with occasional eruption

Quickly taken back to control

Molten lava burning

Under the surface taking its toll

 

The rock quickly formed

To cap off the steam

Beautiful blackened landscape

Or so it would seem

Carefully maintained with information

Moving on with shifting plates,

Back and forth appearing natural

Secretly eroding layers grate

 

The wind picks up again

Appearing a gentle breeze

Hiding the swirling waters

Whirlpools far out at sea

 

Approaching shore with more power

Welcomed by earthly shifts

The volcano no longer dormant

Explodes as the whirlwind whips

 

The meeting of chaos familiar

Calm in the molten steam

Flowing like there will be no damage

Searing aftermath unseen

Let the charred remains crumble

Leaving behind a canvas of renewal

The scene left to be filled again

This time with spirit as fuel.

MY SONG

Let the song of my life lead me to harmony

Words written perfectly and a tune filled with depth

Taken from the notes on spirit wind playing

Sounds and rhythms resonating each soul

Leading the dance taking place in my heart

Swaying and flowing in energy connect

Take me and hold me in a gentle embrace

Move me to your music and show me the way

Answer my questions in verse

Reveal each crescendo and teach me to pause

Allow me to listen with grateful appreciation

To the song that plays just for me

musical-tree

Silence to Speak

Wondering why I can’t speak my words,

Is it fear of being ignored?

Maybe fear of being heard?

Stand clear of expectations

To avoid the disappoint

Some things come automatic

Bringing cognitive disjoint

Confused with thought and habit

Taking focus from the heart

Simply go back to the beginning,

Stepping from the start

Focus in on connection

Where the real originates

Silencing the noise

Allowing peace to resonate.

FUNCTIONING and ADDICTED

I’m not suicidal, but killing myself

I can handle my challenges

Yet I keep them on a shelf

I am happy and grateful

And still I use

I have a good relationship

Full of abuse

I am open and honest

About hiding and lies

An addict who functions

As her spirit dies

Written in active addiction.

So grateful my addiction journey brought me to recovery, narcotics anonymous and a healing of my spirit.

images

 

INSANITY

My addiction is trying to kill me

In the illusion it can thrill me

Dragging me back in

Perpetuating spin

Needing to feel lighter and looking for a lift

Exactly what it wants, to veer my shift

Trying to drown me and drag me to the deep

The fight is physical and energy hard to keep

My craving like a thirst for poison, bitter

My vision being blinded by illogic to consider

Anger, sadness, resentment vivid

Misdirected emotions build to livid

Something clawing just beneath the skin

Trying to get out or fighting to stay in

Illness of spirit, acid to the soul

Show me a new way, I have lost control

written March 2013

Recently found this on my phone. Feels strange to have little recollection of writing it. One of those days the disease was trying to surface. So grateful I have been shown a new way and to have the outlet of poetry, art and true friendship in place of substances 🙂