PIECES OF RESILIENCE

I stand to look down at myself

Viewing a figure shattered on the floor

As I reach for the pieces

I fear cutting myself more,

There are shards too sharp

Do I add back in?

Jagged corners ending,

Twisted edges begin;

 

Some best left where past belongs

Segments in puzzling placement

Challenge like tiles of mah-jongg,

Some fragments so small and fragile

I fear they will be lost

The sheer project of reassembly

Brings a thought process to exhaust,

Temptation to simply sweep it up

Toss everything in trash

Turn away and run,

No stopping till next crash,

 

Then nothing left but sediment

Where only filth would remain

This is not an option

In it nothing but shame and pain.

Instead look back at the pieces

Find the ones that fit,

Tenacity and courage

Only segments with spirit

Faith, hope and courage

Wisdom, gratitude and grace

Each of the virtues

Will fall into their place,

When allowed to be put together

In a mosaic of light

To reflect and glint things lost

In the darkness of the night,

 

Day breaks again

And everything worthy is still here

Just disassembled in a disconnect

Parts polarized with fear

Slowly in a process

Where progress sometimes goes unseen

The particles will come together

With resilience in between

Authentic and with practice

Peacefully allowed

One connected  masterpiece

No longer hidden In false shroud.

COGNITIVE TWIST

Chasing changes or retreating in fear

Losing track of things held most dear

Living out of balance

A tight rope walk

Valuable memories sitting in hock

Look to the ring master to see what is next

A mad director keeps me hexed,

Break from the state

This crazed hypnotize

Awaken the spirit and realize

Perception, reality, cognitive twist

Is that simply all that this is?

Vision coming clear, light expansion closing in

Looking for karma in my place of sin

Gaze up and see the fall wasn’t that far

The key may be reached and pulled from the tar

Slowly cleaned to find release

Turning each lock toward inner peace

LIFT ME TO SUNSHINE

With the world ahead of me, possibilities abound

With my new path, opportunity found

No longer lost in self inflicted smoke

Heavy atmosphere, burning to choke

Now clearing and allowing light resume

With the world ahead of me, there is so much room

For laughter, and sharing, and feeling in tune

Appreciating everything from the sun to the moon

With music and hope flourishing freely

Surrounding, protecting and dancing beneath me,

Open and willing is where I wish to remain,

Leaving behind my thoughts filled with pain

Taking forward what serves me and lifts me up

To the clouds and the sunshine I’ve reached above,

With the world ahead of me and an outlook so new

Allowing my life to unfold, perhaps brings me to you

Where there is apprehension sizzling, but I will remind

The previous life I have left behind

Stay in the moment and be in today

This brings me peace and I embrace the new way

To content and faith, serenity

Everything in the world that is ahead for me.

REINFORCED LOCKS

Let me in, I’m knocking gently at your door

I am waiting for you and your need for more

Turn on that switch and unbolt the lock

Let me come in, I just want to talk

About my power and your self-doubt

The bottled up emotion you deserve to let out

I will take it and make everything alright

Remember me? It’s easy, I’ll help you lose sight

I will hold you and take you away

We had good times, come on out and play

Where I can distract you from life, from family, from friends

Open up to me, I am the familiar descend

I am pounding at the door now, just open it a crack

Let me in for a moment, then get back on track

I won’t stay long, just a lifetime I intend to cut short

Come on just one puff, one line, one snort…..

 

Go away demon, leave me alone!

Don’t knock, don’t write, don’t call on the phone

Looking back is opening the door to death

Of spirit, of connection, of body, mind, breath

Come any closer and I will scream

Help will come running, the NA regime

Be sorry you ever knocked at my door

For now I embrace recovery hardcore

The locks are secure, the fortress is tight

Make your retreat, you won’t get in tonight.

MY WINTER

Snow begins to fall,

As a cold wind blows,

My lungs exhale

And the frigid air shows.

The smell is familiar

And seems like a friend,

The dizzying spiral,

I can’t yet let end.

The welcome escape

in a heavy buzz,

Wrapping like a blanket

Whose warmth always was,

Right around the corner,

Waiting for me,

Something I run towards,

When I know I should flee.

I hate the winter and

I wish to reject snowflakes,

But I’m caught in a shiver,

Not sure what it takes,

To warm myself,

And accept the season’s change,

To take in the sunlight,

And allow things rearranged,

To inhale the warmth and

Let it cleanse,

Go with natural current,

And follow its trends.

FRAGMENT DISCONNECT

Pleasant memories to take into my lifetime,

Let love and connection manifest genuine,

Not easy when over connected to pain,

Grief focus bringing spirit drain,

Lying on the floor with energy seeping,

Grasping thoughts, positive keeping,

Moving from my head and looking to my heart,

Opposite poles continue tearing me apart.

No one can take the memories that live there,

But they are mixed in joy and despair,

I want to hold the moments beautiful and true

Letting go the resentments allowed to accrue

But I fear leaving behind fragments that protect

The fight in my mind brings disconnect

Better for now in the moment to stay

Practice and grasp just for today.

PEROXIDE CUT

Never chance illusion

Disguised in a feeling of content

Reality skewed and fulfillment bent

Illusion with the power to smother and consume

Fooled back in, putting suicide on resume.

 

Peroxide in a cut,

Slam the door shut,

Acid in the eye,

Laughing while I cry,

Smash head into wall

Trip into emotional fall

Crushing like a rock

While continuing to talk

 

No longer can I afford such things

Despite what fantasy brings

It turns to darkness, where loss lies

A place without light, as soul dies

Why would I follow you there?

Where ultimately there is grief to share

It was never true anyway

A fool it makes of me to stay

In a place in my head

Where there is familiar succession

The toxins that kill with illusive progression

I dare not lose this battle of wills

Loss of essence corruptly kills.

 

Peroxide in a cut,

Slam the door shut,

Acid in the eye,

Laughing while I cry,

Smash head into wall

Trip into emotional fall

Crushing like a rock

While continuing to talk

 

Shards of glass from a broken picture in my mind

Cutting into me, the pain makes me blind,

Thoughts flame hot against my skin,

Burning resentments simmering within,

The idea of letting go resurfaces fears

Irritating open wounds with salt from tears

Reaching out is my only hope

Faith grasping, can’t slip from my rope

Tangled and knotted and tied so tight

Simply exhausted, someone help me to fight.

SILENT SERPENT

The serpent is circling, silent and slow,

Patient and cunning, staying hidden down low,

Circling wide, with a smile full of charm,

Gently and softly, curling round one arm.

Mesmerizing; as the gaze is met,

Not revealing any sense of danger yet,

As the grip tightens ever so slight,

It sends a shiver that doesn’t seem quite right,

Softly the snake slithers, massaging down the spine,

The tail at the neck brings discomfort; but it’s fine.

Around the chest the circle is made,

The pressure is squeezing making breath fade,

How did the creature become so bold?

The warmth is gone consumed by cold.

Soon little is left, spirit is fading,

The soul that was strong and energy creating,

Pulls from the last ounce of strength and self-worth,

Breaks free from the snake, as it falls to the earth.

A hawk swiftly dives in high from above,

Soaring off with the serpent, and looking back with love.

hawk and snake

AS I AM THIS MOMENT

AS I AM THIS MOMENT

I need not explain myself, for that is part of my overthinking

Others state things for me, with the assumptions they are linking

My reasons are only mine, as is the path I walk alone

Laid out before me, seeds already sewn

I state my cause and my motivation

Frustrated when met with outsider’s reservation

Explaining myself to me, is all I need discern

Inner reflection that will help me learn

The steps are what is important, this focus I must keep

Not getting ahead of myself, fearing a fatal leap

Those who understand have walked the path before

They have done the work and looked into their core

There they find truth and heal with each beat of the heart

With patience and time, each day a new start.

Then there is looking back toward those still suffering

This brings yet a different kind of buffering

A reminder of where I don’t want to be

The freshness of pain, shows I’m never free

Of the dangerous patterns and obstacles in the path

Where jails, institutions and death are the aftermath

Trust I am in a place where I am safe and accepted

Keeping my compass pointed, my heart directed

I appreciate those in my life supporting in their own way

Understand my steps are each moment, each hour, each day.

PRICELESS IS OUR WORTH

All around the world there are places of delusion

Corners of the universe filled with confusion

A ribbon tying us in misery and despair

The human condition of thought takes us there

Then, when you clear the smoky haze

Turning your back on those places and days

You begin to see the new corners in the world

Hope and possibility begins to unfurl

You realize there is another thread

A different way for your story to be read

Spirit takes over and to faith you surrender

A place in the world that is each ours to render

As we waiver from each fold in our own time

We perceive the world as a place more kind

Seeking compassion instead of despair

Finding in people what was always there

A ribbon that binds us in understanding and then

We feel more as one, united to defend;

Against falling into the chasm of misery and despair

It is easier now, though fear’s always there;

To feel that others can identify

Not just on the surface, but deep and allied

All around the world we ebb and we flow

Like rivers, lakes and oceans on and on we will go

Natural and beautiful connected by the earth

Together bonded, making priceless our worth.

JUST FOR TODAY AND ON TO FOREVER

My spirit diluted by the chemical toxifying my brain
My heart becomes deluded, feeling so raw to pain
I close my eyes to picture the voices telling me I am not alone
Reluctant to reach for tools that feel like they’re on loan
Walking through a journey so adverse to what I dreamt
Knowing life is encouraging me toward a happiness attempt
Insanity is, that there is familiarity in escape
Then I am reminded to play out the tape
Picture darkness and loss
Alienation and shame
The chemical path is merely a game
Played against me,
To kill my spirit, quietly cruel
But guess what? I can make my own rules
For my spirit is stronger and I more clever
Just for today and on to forever.

firespirit

RELAPSE

This is a poem written on the day I allowed escape back into drug use. I am so grateful my disconnect was short and that I was able to take lessons from the dark place I went. Grateful for the recovery seeds planted that very quickly that brought me back to a positive place filled with hope and discovery, leading to faith and possibility. Narcotics Anonymous brings me so much due to the spiritual energy so freely shared. So grateful the experience was left behind me, allowing me back on my path with stronger resolve.

RELAPSE

Bring down the curtains

Drown out the light

I am responsible for ending my fight;

For now I stir the cauldron of pain

Move toward darkness, knowing no gain

Familiar discomfort, simple escape

The only place I do not complicate

Setting up a battle harder to win

Moving to the outside, losing within

The blackness will be heavier when I lift it again

Insanity this length to prove that end

I need protection in the place where I run

Please allow me back on my path when I’m done