Active Addiction

It was the sadness that ran so deep it made my body ache,

It was my heart beating so hard I could hear it in my ear drums,

Yet in another moment fading to an almost undetectable wisp.

It was the mirror, like a magnifying glass, taking regret to pure self hatred.

My emotions felt as though they would shatter like thin ice.

At the same time I wanted to claw out my organs just to feel.

Make the world stop just for a moment.

That is why I came here, but now I am exhausted as it seems

I am alone trying to hold the earth from continuing to rotate.

 

I will not forget where I came from and I practice gratitude everyday for living clean. An addict, any addict can lose the desire to use and learn to live clean. I am no longer alone and I am grateful that being an addict and finding recovery brings me so many gifts when I allow life to unfold knowing I never need to use again.

Tears Painted With Love

I don’t know how to love you without being in pain

I held you only once knowing I would never see you again

Laying there so tiny, a perfect angel in my hand

Never to awaken and come with me as planned

Taken from me after I dreamed of you and saw you in my heart

Abruptly over before having a chance to start

Tears continue to fall inside where I felt you flutter

The day it all stopped a memory confused, full of stutter

To love you and know our eyes would never meet

Your tiny heart not strong enough to hold its life force beat

Leaving my heart broken, a corner left empty and grey

A place beyond repair where sorrow will stay

Next to that though is a rainbow of colour

A place painted with the love of daughter and mother

Where rain may refresh you filled with my love

My tears like a warm streaming waterfall washing from above

When they reach you I hope you feel the way you are cherished deep in my soul

I just pray that that when I send my love to you, somehow you know

heart drop

LYRA

I know you are in rainbows and the glitter in the snow,
How is it I miss someone I never got to know?
I can see you tiny fingers and recall touching your toes,
Wishing you would take a breath, you were just not meant to grow,
At least not as my little one, perfect in tiny form,
I want to embrace those memories finding somewhere warm,
But my tears fall cold; and winter is too near;
Resisting the sadness quickly blocked by fear,
This does not honour you nor connect me to true self,
You are so much more than the memory box sitting on a shelf,
You remind of my strength and that I can face nightmares on my own,
Now to reach out through my pain and accept I’m not alone.
Sorrow is a process that is not within control,
Resistance and isolation is what will take its toll,
Allowing for the heartbreak to come then wash away,
Will help me to see your presence in my everyday,
I will recognize your spirit lives in all of nature’s gifts
I will allow the pain that’s mine with faith that spirit lifts,
You exist always in the love you brought my heart,
That can never be lost, it existed deeply from the start.

lyra

PEN FOR A PIPE

I want to write about everything that inspires

I want to write my deepest desires

I want to set fire to the page

I want to use ink to work through my rage

In writing I can find deepest purpose inside

Words flowing onto page to reveal things I hide

Thoughts turned off

Spirit only flows

Words with deeper meaning

Everything I’ve always known

No blocks

No fear

No judgment

Just today

The past stays behind

Allowing inner child to play

I will use a pen in place of a pipe

To escape with purpose

To a place that is ripe;

With spiritual connection

Inner peace and healing

The place I strive to be

No floor, no ceiling

I want to write to get out of myself

I want to write to be inside myself

No beginning, no end, just possibility

A place where there is truth I could never before see

Finished for now, yet just beginning

Putting a stop to false thought spinning

No longer looking back in fear

Staying in now, keeps the future clear

Knowing my destiny is ahead

Now there is purpose on the path I tread

SURRENDER

It was the pipe that was taking me down, was it not?

Stepping over the line, tripped and got caught

The invisible thread cut through skin, then to flesh

Deep to the bone, making old wounds seem fresh

To distort, to justify, to take me away

Sacrificing spirit, emotional decay

Shrinking smaller and smaller, and I can’t stop it

Shaking going unseen until cause to drop it

Lost in the shadow of all that is wrong

Days without reason to even go on

Distorted in haze of thought and false emotion

Not able to unravel tight wound contortion

Pain only goes deeper with attempts to change

Process and patterns in jumbled rearrange

Alone and isolated with fears caving in

Weighted down, hopeless, will pulled thin

Medicating, escaping the only way to cope

The choice that deepens desperation, the thief of my hope

Then appears another way

A sliver of light representing a different day

Allow for surrender, reach out to start again

Open to a path where the darkness will end.

I was going through my poetry journal, I wrote this in June  2013 and finished it today (January 13, 2014). Feeling gratitude for the hope and faith the program of Narcotics Anonymous has brought to my life.

VOLCANIC BREEZES

I am the calm in emotional chaos

The reason in illogical thought

Insanity revolves around me

In this cycle where I like to be caught

 

I thrive in self destruction

In a whirlwind of ideas and fears

Masked in normality and function

Practiced and refined for years

 

A volcano with occasional eruption

Quickly taken back to control

Molten lava burning

Under the surface taking its toll

 

The rock quickly formed

To cap off the steam

Beautiful blackened landscape

Or so it would seem

Carefully maintained with information

Moving on with shifting plates,

Back and forth appearing natural

Secretly eroding layers grate

 

The wind picks up again

Appearing a gentle breeze

Hiding the swirling waters

Whirlpools far out at sea

 

Approaching shore with more power

Welcomed by earthly shifts

The volcano no longer dormant

Explodes as the whirlwind whips

 

The meeting of chaos familiar

Calm in the molten steam

Flowing like there will be no damage

Searing aftermath unseen

Let the charred remains crumble

Leaving behind a canvas of renewal

The scene left to be filled again

This time with spirit as fuel.

MY SONG

Let the song of my life lead me to harmony

Words written perfectly and a tune filled with depth

Taken from the notes on spirit wind playing

Sounds and rhythms resonating each soul

Leading the dance taking place in my heart

Swaying and flowing in energy connect

Take me and hold me in a gentle embrace

Move me to your music and show me the way

Answer my questions in verse

Reveal each crescendo and teach me to pause

Allow me to listen with grateful appreciation

To the song that plays just for me

musical-tree

Silence to Speak

Wondering why I can’t speak my words,

Is it fear of being ignored?

Maybe fear of being heard?

Stand clear of expectations

To avoid the disappoint

Some things come automatic

Bringing cognitive disjoint

Confused with thought and habit

Taking focus from the heart

Simply go back to the beginning,

Stepping from the start

Focus in on connection

Where the real originates

Silencing the noise

Allowing peace to resonate.

FUNCTIONING and ADDICTED

I’m not suicidal, but killing myself

I can handle my challenges

Yet I keep them on a shelf

I am happy and grateful

And still I use

I have a good relationship

Full of abuse

I am open and honest

About hiding and lies

An addict who functions

As her spirit dies

Written in active addiction.

So grateful my addiction journey brought me to recovery, narcotics anonymous and a healing of my spirit.

images

 

INSANITY

My addiction is trying to kill me

In the illusion it can thrill me

Dragging me back in

Perpetuating spin

Needing to feel lighter and looking for a lift

Exactly what it wants, to veer my shift

Trying to drown me and drag me to the deep

The fight is physical and energy hard to keep

My craving like a thirst for poison, bitter

My vision being blinded by illogic to consider

Anger, sadness, resentment vivid

Misdirected emotions build to livid

Something clawing just beneath the skin

Trying to get out or fighting to stay in

Illness of spirit, acid to the soul

Show me a new way, I have lost control

written March 2013

Recently found this on my phone. Feels strange to have little recollection of writing it. One of those days the disease was trying to surface. So grateful I have been shown a new way and to have the outlet of poetry, art and true friendship in place of substances 🙂

PIECES OF RESILIENCE

I stand to look down at myself

Viewing a figure shattered on the floor

As I reach for the pieces

I fear cutting myself more,

There are shards too sharp

Do I add back in?

Jagged corners ending,

Twisted edges begin;

 

Some best left where past belongs

Segments in puzzling placement

Challenge like tiles of mah-jongg,

Some fragments so small and fragile

I fear they will be lost

The sheer project of reassembly

Brings a thought process to exhaust,

Temptation to simply sweep it up

Toss everything in trash

Turn away and run,

No stopping till next crash,

 

Then nothing left but sediment

Where only filth would remain

This is not an option

In it nothing but shame and pain.

Instead look back at the pieces

Find the ones that fit,

Tenacity and courage

Only segments with spirit

Faith, hope and courage

Wisdom, gratitude and grace

Each of the virtues

Will fall into their place,

When allowed to be put together

In a mosaic of light

To reflect and glint things lost

In the darkness of the night,

 

Day breaks again

And everything worthy is still here

Just disassembled in a disconnect

Parts polarized with fear

Slowly in a process

Where progress sometimes goes unseen

The particles will come together

With resilience in between

Authentic and with practice

Peacefully allowed

One connected  masterpiece

No longer hidden In false shroud.

COGNITIVE TWIST

Chasing changes or retreating in fear

Losing track of things held most dear

Living out of balance

A tight rope walk

Valuable memories sitting in hock

Look to the ring master to see what is next

A mad director keeps me hexed,

Break from the state

This crazed hypnotize

Awaken the spirit and realize

Perception, reality, cognitive twist

Is that simply all that this is?

Vision coming clear, light expansion closing in

Looking for karma in my place of sin

Gaze up and see the fall wasn’t that far

The key may be reached and pulled from the tar

Slowly cleaned to find release

Turning each lock toward inner peace