VOLCANIC BREEZES

I am the calm in emotional chaos

The reason in illogical thought

Insanity revolves around me

In this cycle where I like to be caught

 

I thrive in self destruction

In a whirlwind of ideas and fears

Masked in normality and function

Practiced and refined for years

 

A volcano with occasional eruption

Quickly taken back to control

Molten lava burning

Under the surface taking its toll

 

The rock quickly formed

To cap off the steam

Beautiful blackened landscape

Or so it would seem

Carefully maintained with information

Moving on with shifting plates,

Back and forth appearing natural

Secretly eroding layers grate

 

The wind picks up again

Appearing a gentle breeze

Hiding the swirling waters

Whirlpools far out at sea

 

Approaching shore with more power

Welcomed by earthly shifts

The volcano no longer dormant

Explodes as the whirlwind whips

 

The meeting of chaos familiar

Calm in the molten steam

Flowing like there will be no damage

Searing aftermath unseen

Let the charred remains crumble

Leaving behind a canvas of renewal

The scene left to be filled again

This time with spirit as fuel.

MY SONG

Let the song of my life lead me to harmony

Words written perfectly and a tune filled with depth

Taken from the notes on spirit wind playing

Sounds and rhythms resonating each soul

Leading the dance taking place in my heart

Swaying and flowing in energy connect

Take me and hold me in a gentle embrace

Move me to your music and show me the way

Answer my questions in verse

Reveal each crescendo and teach me to pause

Allow me to listen with grateful appreciation

To the song that plays just for me

musical-tree

Silence to Speak

Wondering why I can’t speak my words,

Is it fear of being ignored?

Maybe fear of being heard?

Stand clear of expectations

To avoid the disappoint

Some things come automatic

Bringing cognitive disjoint

Confused with thought and habit

Taking focus from the heart

Simply go back to the beginning,

Stepping from the start

Focus in on connection

Where the real originates

Silencing the noise

Allowing peace to resonate.

FUNCTIONING and ADDICTED

I’m not suicidal, but killing myself

I can handle my challenges

Yet I keep them on a shelf

I am happy and grateful

And still I use

I have a good relationship

Full of abuse

I am open and honest

About hiding and lies

An addict who functions

As her spirit dies

Written in active addiction.

So grateful my addiction journey brought me to recovery, narcotics anonymous and a healing of my spirit.

images

 

INSANITY

My addiction is trying to kill me

In the illusion it can thrill me

Dragging me back in

Perpetuating spin

Needing to feel lighter and looking for a lift

Exactly what it wants, to veer my shift

Trying to drown me and drag me to the deep

The fight is physical and energy hard to keep

My craving like a thirst for poison, bitter

My vision being blinded by illogic to consider

Anger, sadness, resentment vivid

Misdirected emotions build to livid

Something clawing just beneath the skin

Trying to get out or fighting to stay in

Illness of spirit, acid to the soul

Show me a new way, I have lost control

written March 2013

Recently found this on my phone. Feels strange to have little recollection of writing it. One of those days the disease was trying to surface. So grateful I have been shown a new way and to have the outlet of poetry, art and true friendship in place of substances 🙂

PIECES OF RESILIENCE

I stand to look down at myself

Viewing a figure shattered on the floor

As I reach for the pieces

I fear cutting myself more,

There are shards too sharp

Do I add back in?

Jagged corners ending,

Twisted edges begin;

 

Some best left where past belongs

Segments in puzzling placement

Challenge like tiles of mah-jongg,

Some fragments so small and fragile

I fear they will be lost

The sheer project of reassembly

Brings a thought process to exhaust,

Temptation to simply sweep it up

Toss everything in trash

Turn away and run,

No stopping till next crash,

 

Then nothing left but sediment

Where only filth would remain

This is not an option

In it nothing but shame and pain.

Instead look back at the pieces

Find the ones that fit,

Tenacity and courage

Only segments with spirit

Faith, hope and courage

Wisdom, gratitude and grace

Each of the virtues

Will fall into their place,

When allowed to be put together

In a mosaic of light

To reflect and glint things lost

In the darkness of the night,

 

Day breaks again

And everything worthy is still here

Just disassembled in a disconnect

Parts polarized with fear

Slowly in a process

Where progress sometimes goes unseen

The particles will come together

With resilience in between

Authentic and with practice

Peacefully allowed

One connected  masterpiece

No longer hidden In false shroud.

COGNITIVE TWIST

Chasing changes or retreating in fear

Losing track of things held most dear

Living out of balance

A tight rope walk

Valuable memories sitting in hock

Look to the ring master to see what is next

A mad director keeps me hexed,

Break from the state

This crazed hypnotize

Awaken the spirit and realize

Perception, reality, cognitive twist

Is that simply all that this is?

Vision coming clear, light expansion closing in

Looking for karma in my place of sin

Gaze up and see the fall wasn’t that far

The key may be reached and pulled from the tar

Slowly cleaned to find release

Turning each lock toward inner peace

LIFT ME TO SUNSHINE

With the world ahead of me, possibilities abound

With my new path, opportunity found

No longer lost in self inflicted smoke

Heavy atmosphere, burning to choke

Now clearing and allowing light resume

With the world ahead of me, there is so much room

For laughter, and sharing, and feeling in tune

Appreciating everything from the sun to the moon

With music and hope flourishing freely

Surrounding, protecting and dancing beneath me,

Open and willing is where I wish to remain,

Leaving behind my thoughts filled with pain

Taking forward what serves me and lifts me up

To the clouds and the sunshine I’ve reached above,

With the world ahead of me and an outlook so new

Allowing my life to unfold, perhaps brings me to you

Where there is apprehension sizzling, but I will remind

The previous life I have left behind

Stay in the moment and be in today

This brings me peace and I embrace the new way

To content and faith, serenity

Everything in the world that is ahead for me.

REINFORCED LOCKS

Let me in, I’m knocking gently at your door

I am waiting for you and your need for more

Turn on that switch and unbolt the lock

Let me come in, I just want to talk

About my power and your self-doubt

The bottled up emotion you deserve to let out

I will take it and make everything alright

Remember me? It’s easy, I’ll help you lose sight

I will hold you and take you away

We had good times, come on out and play

Where I can distract you from life, from family, from friends

Open up to me, I am the familiar descend

I am pounding at the door now, just open it a crack

Let me in for a moment, then get back on track

I won’t stay long, just a lifetime I intend to cut short

Come on just one puff, one line, one snort…..

 

Go away demon, leave me alone!

Don’t knock, don’t write, don’t call on the phone

Looking back is opening the door to death

Of spirit, of connection, of body, mind, breath

Come any closer and I will scream

Help will come running, the NA regime

Be sorry you ever knocked at my door

For now I embrace recovery hardcore

The locks are secure, the fortress is tight

Make your retreat, you won’t get in tonight.

MY WINTER

Snow begins to fall,

As a cold wind blows,

My lungs exhale

And the frigid air shows.

The smell is familiar

And seems like a friend,

The dizzying spiral,

I can’t yet let end.

The welcome escape

in a heavy buzz,

Wrapping like a blanket

Whose warmth always was,

Right around the corner,

Waiting for me,

Something I run towards,

When I know I should flee.

I hate the winter and

I wish to reject snowflakes,

But I’m caught in a shiver,

Not sure what it takes,

To warm myself,

And accept the season’s change,

To take in the sunlight,

And allow things rearranged,

To inhale the warmth and

Let it cleanse,

Go with natural current,

And follow its trends.

FRAGMENT DISCONNECT

Pleasant memories to take into my lifetime,

Let love and connection manifest genuine,

Not easy when over connected to pain,

Grief focus bringing spirit drain,

Lying on the floor with energy seeping,

Grasping thoughts, positive keeping,

Moving from my head and looking to my heart,

Opposite poles continue tearing me apart.

No one can take the memories that live there,

But they are mixed in joy and despair,

I want to hold the moments beautiful and true

Letting go the resentments allowed to accrue

But I fear leaving behind fragments that protect

The fight in my mind brings disconnect

Better for now in the moment to stay

Practice and grasp just for today.

PEROXIDE CUT

Never chance illusion

Disguised in a feeling of content

Reality skewed and fulfillment bent

Illusion with the power to smother and consume

Fooled back in, putting suicide on resume.

 

Peroxide in a cut,

Slam the door shut,

Acid in the eye,

Laughing while I cry,

Smash head into wall

Trip into emotional fall

Crushing like a rock

While continuing to talk

 

No longer can I afford such things

Despite what fantasy brings

It turns to darkness, where loss lies

A place without light, as soul dies

Why would I follow you there?

Where ultimately there is grief to share

It was never true anyway

A fool it makes of me to stay

In a place in my head

Where there is familiar succession

The toxins that kill with illusive progression

I dare not lose this battle of wills

Loss of essence corruptly kills.

 

Peroxide in a cut,

Slam the door shut,

Acid in the eye,

Laughing while I cry,

Smash head into wall

Trip into emotional fall

Crushing like a rock

While continuing to talk

 

Shards of glass from a broken picture in my mind

Cutting into me, the pain makes me blind,

Thoughts flame hot against my skin,

Burning resentments simmering within,

The idea of letting go resurfaces fears

Irritating open wounds with salt from tears

Reaching out is my only hope

Faith grasping, can’t slip from my rope

Tangled and knotted and tied so tight

Simply exhausted, someone help me to fight.