Active Addiction

It was the sadness that ran so deep it made my body ache,

It was my heart beating so hard I could hear it in my ear drums,

Yet in another moment fading to an almost undetectable wisp.

It was the mirror, like a magnifying glass, taking regret to pure self hatred.

My emotions felt as though they would shatter like thin ice.

At the same time I wanted to claw out my organs just to feel.

Make the world stop just for a moment.

That is why I came here, but now I am exhausted as it seems

I am alone trying to hold the earth from continuing to rotate.


I will not forget where I came from and I practice gratitude everyday for living clean. An addict, any addict can lose the desire to use and learn to live clean. I am no longer alone and I am grateful that being an addict and finding recovery brings me so many gifts when I allow life to unfold knowing I never need to use again.



I am but a scintilla in the universe,
a grain of sand on miles and miles of beach,
a drop in the ocean expanse,
a speck of dust in a mountain of excavated soil.
There seems to be so little to me compared to the world and the universe beyond.
I am pleased to know I am one among many other tiny sparks in this giant inferno that rages and continues to burn century after century.
Is that what we are as human beings?
Fiery creatures who burn our way across the earth?
We do, and have done, a great deal of damage.
Did we know? And now, when maybe we do know, is it too late?
Am I but a scintilla in the grand scheme of human beings who corrupt and steal from our mother the earth?
Is my drop in the ocean too small to break up the toxicity that seeps into the land and takes from all that is natural?
Have you ever seen a grain of sand magnified many times by a powerful microscope?
Its beauty, its intricate infinity, the power of the detail when observing something so small, in context to how complex  and lovely it is.
Am I then not the same?
Is becoming mindful of the magnification that is possible to be applied here what can create an energetic shift?
Mindful of the amazing detail in everything that is me.
I am but a scintilla in the universe and I am also part of every other piece and part that exists.
I influence that which is around me and the tiny drop that I am can bring an exponential ripple to the largest bodies of water.
May my tiny spark be one that ignites an inspirational fire, a motivation and energy that sends positivity in all directions.
May I remain in the understanding that I am small but significant, and in my positive connection I create connections that grow into mammoth waves of love by simply choosing this as my true purpose.

Tears Painted With Love

I don’t know how to love you without being in pain

I held you only once knowing I would never see you again

Laying there so tiny, a perfect angel in my hand

Never to awaken and come with me as planned

Taken from me after I dreamed of you and saw you in my heart

Abruptly over before having a chance to start

Tears continue to fall inside where I felt you flutter

The day it all stopped a memory confused, full of stutter

To love you and know our eyes would never meet

Your tiny heart not strong enough to hold its life force beat

Leaving my heart broken, a corner left empty and grey

A place beyond repair where sorrow will stay

Next to that though is a rainbow of colour

A place painted with the love of daughter and mother

Where rain may refresh you filled with my love

My tears like a warm streaming waterfall washing from above

When they reach you I hope you feel the way you are cherished deep in my soul

I just pray that that when I send my love to you, somehow you know

heart drop


I know you are in rainbows and the glitter in the snow,
How is it I miss someone I never got to know?
I can see you tiny fingers and recall touching your toes,
Wishing you would take a breath, you were just not meant to grow,
At least not as my little one, perfect in tiny form,
I want to embrace those memories finding somewhere warm,
But my tears fall cold; and winter is too near;
Resisting the sadness quickly blocked by fear,
This does not honour you nor connect me to true self,
You are so much more than the memory box sitting on a shelf,
You remind of my strength and that I can face nightmares on my own,
Now to reach out through my pain and accept I’m not alone.
Sorrow is a process that is not within control,
Resistance and isolation is what will take its toll,
Allowing for the heartbreak to come then wash away,
Will help me to see your presence in my everyday,
I will recognize your spirit lives in all of nature’s gifts
I will allow the pain that’s mine with faith that spirit lifts,
You exist always in the love you brought my heart,
That can never be lost, it existed deeply from the start.



I want to write about everything that inspires

I want to write my deepest desires

I want to set fire to the page

I want to use ink to work through my rage

In writing I can find deepest purpose inside

Words flowing onto page to reveal things I hide

Thoughts turned off

Spirit only flows

Words with deeper meaning

Everything I’ve always known

No blocks

No fear

No judgment

Just today

The past stays behind

Allowing inner child to play

I will use a pen in place of a pipe

To escape with purpose

To a place that is ripe;

With spiritual connection

Inner peace and healing

The place I strive to be

No floor, no ceiling

I want to write to get out of myself

I want to write to be inside myself

No beginning, no end, just possibility

A place where there is truth I could never before see

Finished for now, yet just beginning

Putting a stop to false thought spinning

No longer looking back in fear

Staying in now, keeps the future clear

Knowing my destiny is ahead

Now there is purpose on the path I tread


This poem was written in a creative freefall writing group. Freefall typically starts with an opening sentence that is followed by 10 minutes of writing without judgement or editing. This evening we had simply a starter word…. Motionless

Motionless, emotionless, without movement or feeling

Barely able to reach for a breath,

Fatigued, exhausted, unable to move

Paralyzed and thinking of death,

Weighted by regret

Torn by pain

Perception of ending,

Nothing but shame,

Pulled deep into sorrow and despair

Searching and seeking a way to repair

The mistakes

The missteps

The choices gone by

The chaos

The hopelessness

Then tears uncontrollably cried

Motionless, frightened, faith drained and hope lost

Looking for change at almost any cost;

Then there is a glimmer of movement,

A hand reaching to help

The only requirement is my own reaching out,

As my hand meets with a strong, loving embrace

The pull is forceful,

Taken from darkness to sun on my face,

The sun always shone although clouded and dim

All I needed was willingness to reach out then within.



I gave you all of me, believing I could trust

You became my everything, my love, my life, my lust

Part of every breath, until I was gasping for air

Smothering in the toxins we had come to share

Words of amend and change became trade

Trust severed by promises believed when made

A cycle of apology leading back to blissful entwine

Boundaries reset with a pencil drawn line

A line soon crossed and justified in push-pull exchange

ExhaustIon and defeat where patterns never change

Dysfunction by intention fed

Defensive doubt, resistance, dread

Trying to grasp at a dream made of smoke

Left crawling on the floor, attempt not to choke

The exit blurred and not well marked

Memories circling like a shark

Confused with times of playful content

Twisted with damage, yet appearing unbent

As the creases deepen with each relapse or retreat

No more hand holding or false plans to repeat

The cycle is broken with final separation

Walking away, no compensation

Except to rebuild damage to spirit

Trust, hope and faith reopen to clear it