Vulnerability Conflict

I try to live my life softly, and to move with the things I have learned to apply to my life that align me spiritually and congruently with my authentic self. There are times when this becomes toxified by my own self sabotage and places that live inside me that have not healed from the past. I am mostly capable of living in the moment, then occasionally, latent cells that are deep inside me burst to bring forward the emulsified sludge that is surrounded by a need to be kept safe from trauma and vulnerability. I get slowed and disconnected by the thick nature of what was held there, compartmentalized, and now spilling to contaminate without notice or defense. Or perhaps it is my very defenses that create the disconnect, allowing the sticky sludge to pull me back as though I cannot step forward. I feel as though I have taken a misstep into something that surrounds and pulls back like tar not yet set in a gap in the sidewalk. I have stepped again to a place where trauma still has power over me. I know what the best things are to do and I want to be able to do them, but at the same time I don’t. It would mean using a voice that is so soft I can’t hear it within myself sometimes, so how do I bring it to the surface to share with someone else.

If you have experienced trauma in your life; and trauma is different for each of us, you will understand what I mean. An experience today brings up emotions and fears that intellectually I know are exaggerated, but that does not mean they resolve. For me, I am sent into a spin like a vehicle hit on the back corner by another vehicle traveling at high velocity. My body is sent in one direction, my emotions in another and my spirit can’t catch up to either. I want it to stop but my mind takes over and I as I try to be in control the pain heightens and tricks me and wants me to be with it. There is a physical and emotional response that is whiplash to my psyche. As dramatic as this all becomes inside me, I breath and bring everything on the outside to appear as though there is nothing wrong. My focus is off, my energy drips with lethargy, but I will make myself okay and again steal the truth from myself. Move from the authentic to what appears more comfortable.  I don’t want to accept that I have not integrated the traumas from my past into the tapestry of my life naturally. I want to be bigger than the subconscious space where my responses do not fit the situation because my experience in trusting took me to harm. I am the same as anyone who I would tell to be patient and compassionate with themselves. But my expectations are high and my disappointment in myself fueled by that instead of finding understanding for myself. Understanding that I would give to any friend, instead I treat myself like an enemy who I want to deny. I must become willing to integrate what is already perfect in its flaws instead of turning my back to find the false image of myself I sometimes wish to make true.

Something greater than myself can and will help me when I turn towards instead of back, but this involves the very trust that the trauma wall keeps me from breaking through. Faith is where it begins and because my higher power does not have the human qualities that have broken my trust, I can safely let go and allow the universe to provide. Here lives ultimate patience and love, I just have to find that patience and love for myself, so I can let go and trust even when my human reactions and fears try to tip to false need for control. I know when I allow my life to unfold, even the moments I perceive as most challenging become an accepted part of my experience.


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