Vulnerability Conflict

I try to live my life softly, and to move with the things I have learned to apply to my life that align me spiritually and congruently with my authentic self. There are times when this becomes toxified by my own self sabotage and places that live inside me that have not healed from the past. I am mostly capable of living in the moment, then occasionally, latent cells that are deep inside me burst to bring forward the emulsified sludge that is surrounded by a need to be kept safe from trauma and vulnerability. I get slowed and disconnected by the thick nature of what was held there, compartmentalized, and now spilling to contaminate without notice or defense. Or perhaps it is my very defenses that create the disconnect, allowing the sticky sludge to pull me back as though I cannot step forward. I feel as though I have taken a misstep into something that surrounds and pulls back like tar not yet set in a gap in the sidewalk. I have stepped again to a place where trauma still has power over me. I know what the best things are to do and I want to be able to do them, but at the same time I don’t. It would mean using a voice that is so soft I can’t hear it within myself sometimes, so how do I bring it to the surface to share with someone else.

If you have experienced trauma in your life; and trauma is different for each of us, you will understand what I mean. An experience today brings up emotions and fears that intellectually I know are exaggerated, but that does not mean they resolve. For me, I am sent into a spin like a vehicle hit on the back corner by another vehicle traveling at high velocity. My body is sent in one direction, my emotions in another and my spirit can’t catch up to either. I want it to stop but my mind takes over and I as I try to be in control the pain heightens and tricks me and wants me to be with it. There is a physical and emotional response that is whiplash to my psyche. As dramatic as this all becomes inside me, I breath and bring everything on the outside to appear as though there is nothing wrong. My focus is off, my energy drips with lethargy, but I will make myself okay and again steal the truth from myself. Move from the authentic to what appears more comfortable.  I don’t want to accept that I have not integrated the traumas from my past into the tapestry of my life naturally. I want to be bigger than the subconscious space where my responses do not fit the situation because my experience in trusting took me to harm. I am the same as anyone who I would tell to be patient and compassionate with themselves. But my expectations are high and my disappointment in myself fueled by that instead of finding understanding for myself. Understanding that I would give to any friend, instead I treat myself like an enemy who I want to deny. I must become willing to integrate what is already perfect in its flaws instead of turning my back to find the false image of myself I sometimes wish to make true.

Something greater than myself can and will help me when I turn towards instead of back, but this involves the very trust that the trauma wall keeps me from breaking through. Faith is where it begins and because my higher power does not have the human qualities that have broken my trust, I can safely let go and allow the universe to provide. Here lives ultimate patience and love, I just have to find that patience and love for myself, so I can let go and trust even when my human reactions and fears try to tip to false need for control. I know when I allow my life to unfold, even the moments I perceive as most challenging become an accepted part of my experience.

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Choosing the Street Home

Tonight I am grateful not to turn down the street that takes me home to sadness, resentment and lies. Instead I continue straight to the path today that takes me to a home of joy, serenity and love. There are places that still hit me with unexpected reaction that begins in the subliminal, then surfaces to provoke emotions I cannot even connect to. I feel my mouth watering for my drug of choice, even though I have no desire to use.

There is no clean time that takes me to a safe distance from my addiction.Until tonight, I had not really been to the part of the city that holds ties to picking up when no one was available in closer proximity. And the ride I went on in my head came unexpectedly.

I can feel… like it is in real time… myself gripping a small piece of plastic as I drive home in anticipation, likely for the third or fourth time that same night. I recognize it came to a point when I didn’t even have the restraint to wait until I got home. My imagination is running away, giving me flashes and feelings of the pipe in my hand.

I am living this in my mind as I retrace the route in my car four years later. I feel tears wanting to fall, but I don’t understand what this emotion is. I know I love my life clean and I do not feel the fear this type of experience would have brought a few years ago. I won’t feed the part of me that is somewhat resentful I can’t go back. As fast as the unclean thoughts enter I let them go unable to identify the emotions I am experiencing.

I am, almost without consciousness, vividly recalling the rush I loved. I am picturing rocks of substance in the environment around me as if in some parody movie playing in my head. It is almost laughable and because humour is my best friend I will laugh about this later, but for this moment I am given intense reminders with all my senses that addiction lives just under my skin.

I have accepted that for the rest of my life I may have these moments. My mind and my body have memories that can be provoked in the most benign instant. I am grateful I can acknowledge this and take it for what it is, just a moment in my life as an addict and when I choose the next moment to focus on my recovery, and how much that means to me, I take the power from addiction.

As I write this I feel the peace that brings. I am powerless over my addiction, but I have choices in my perception in times like this and I choose to look back and raise my middle finger to that part in my mind that took me off balance for a second.

…and now I can laugh.