I gave you all of me, believing I could trust

You became my everything, my love, my life, my lust

Part of every breath, until I was gasping for air

Smothering in the toxins we had come to share

Words of amend and change became trade

Trust severed by promises believed when made

A cycle of apology leading back to blissful entwine

Boundaries reset with a pencil drawn line

A line soon crossed and justified in push-pull exchange

ExhaustIon and defeat where patterns never change

Dysfunction by intention fed

Defensive doubt, resistance, dread

Trying to grasp at a dream made of smoke

Left crawling on the floor, attempt not to choke

The exit blurred and not well marked

Memories circling like a shark

Confused with times of playful content

Twisted with damage, yet appearing unbent

As the creases deepen with each relapse or retreat

No more hand holding or false plans to repeat

The cycle is broken with final separation

Walking away, no compensation

Except to rebuild damage to spirit

Trust, hope and faith reopen to clear it



It was the pipe that was taking me down, was it not?

Stepping over the line, tripped and got caught

The invisible thread cut through skin, then to flesh

Deep to the bone, making old wounds seem fresh

To distort, to justify, to take me away

Sacrificing spirit, emotional decay

Shrinking smaller and smaller, and I can’t stop it

Shaking going unseen until cause to drop it

Lost in the shadow of all that is wrong

Days without reason to even go on

Distorted in haze of thought and false emotion

Not able to unravel tight wound contortion

Pain only goes deeper with attempts to change

Process and patterns in jumbled rearrange

Alone and isolated with fears caving in

Weighted down, hopeless, will pulled thin

Medicating, escaping the only way to cope

The choice that deepens desperation, the thief of my hope

Then appears another way

A sliver of light representing a different day

Allow for surrender, reach out to start again

Open to a path where the darkness will end.

I was going through my poetry journal, I wrote this in June  2013 and finished it today (January 13, 2014). Feeling gratitude for the hope and faith the program of Narcotics Anonymous has brought to my life.


This letter was written March 7, 2013 after the fourth week in House of Sophrosyne addiction treatment. As I type it I can see the emotion illustrated in my handwriting. I remember sitting down thinking I had no idea what to write, but I had put the letter off and it needed to be done, so I cleared my mind and the words hit the page in a fury…

I HATE YOU! Fuck off and leave me alone forever. I refuse to love you anymore. I won’t miss you or long for you because you don’t deserve an ‘ounce’ of my attention. You took my kids and convinced me to compromise my values and myself. My thoughts are changed and I have to work to exhaustion to drown out your voice. SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! Go far away and never come back. Just try to whisper with your provocative voice. Try to entice me with your glamour. The risk is no longer exciting to me, it is terrifying. Don’t dare take that sentiment and use it against me. Fear is no longer an excuse. Nor is sadness, grief, insecurity, hurt or any of those things you will try to exploit. Watch me celebrate without you the high that is life. The career you convinced me to put on hold is about to flourish. STOP TALKING!! I am not listening and when I choose to ignore you be highly offended because I am doing it intentionally to beat you down like you did me.

My spirit is here to extinguish you. My vital spark will see you burn in hell!


If you know me, you know I am rarely an angry person. I recall the rage that was building as I wrote this and then immediate relief when I finished. I wrote a quote on the page at the end. ‘Achievement without struggle isn’t rewarding’ Heather Fuher


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