It was the pipe that was taking me down, was it not?
Stepping over the line, tripped and got caught
The invisible thread cut through skin, then to flesh
Deep to the bone, making old wounds seem fresh
To distort, to justify, to take me away
Sacrificing spirit, emotional decay
Shrinking smaller and smaller, and I can’t stop it
Shaking going unseen until cause to drop it
Lost in the shadow of all that is wrong
Days without reason to even go on
Distorted in haze of thought and false emotion
Not able to unravel tight wound contortion
Pain only goes deeper with attempts to change
Process and patterns in jumbled rearrange
Alone and isolated with fears caving in
Weighted down, hopeless, will pulled thin
Medicating, escaping the only way to cope
The choice that deepens desperation, the thief of my hope
Then appears another way
A sliver of light representing a different day
Allow for surrender, reach out to start again
Open to a path where the darkness will end.
I was going through my poetry journal, I wrote this in June 2013 and finished it today (January 13, 2014). Feeling gratitude for the hope and faith the program of Narcotics Anonymous has brought to my life.
This letter was written March 7, 2013 after the fourth week in House of Sophrosyne addiction treatment. As I type it I can see the emotion illustrated in my handwriting. I remember sitting down thinking I had no idea what to write, but I had put the letter off and it needed to be done, so I cleared my mind and the words hit the page in a fury…
I HATE YOU! Fuck off and leave me alone forever. I refuse to love you anymore. I won’t miss you or long for you because you don’t deserve an ‘ounce’ of my attention. You took my kids and convinced me to compromise my values and myself. My thoughts are changed and I have to work to exhaustion to drown out your voice. SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! Go far away and never come back. Just try to whisper with your provocative voice. Try to entice me with your glamour. The risk is no longer exciting to me, it is terrifying. Don’t dare take that sentiment and use it against me. Fear is no longer an excuse. Nor is sadness, grief, insecurity, hurt or any of those things you will try to exploit. Watch me celebrate without you the high that is life. The career you convinced me to put on hold is about to flourish. STOP TALKING!! I am not listening and when I choose to ignore you be highly offended because I am doing it intentionally to beat you down like you did me.
My spirit is here to extinguish you. My vital spark will see you burn in hell!
FUCK YOU! I WIN!!!
If you know me, you know I am rarely an angry person. I recall the rage that was building as I wrote this and then immediate relief when I finished. I wrote a quote on the page at the end. ‘Achievement without struggle isn’t rewarding’ Heather Fuher
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