This song makes me very sad. I greatly identify with many of the lyrics. I have lost my spirit by staying committed to something that has become toxic and the process of leaving that relationship has sent me into a spiral that continues downward out of control. I have gotten ‘stuck in my daydream’ that is being in love. I hold on so tight to the beautiful part of my relationships whIle using drugs to escape the reality of how broken they are. With my husband, I get all mixed up in the two personalities he can display. One I love and cherish and the other I fear (emotionally) and allow myself to be damaged by, ultimately turning to drugs to escape. I am in the process of changing this, but waiting for the pieces to fall into place (selling home, etc) is trapping me and challenging my ability to maintain the positive momentum that began when I started the separation process.
Allowing myself to be affected so acutely by my husband is directly related to relapse, especially when he is displaying a positive attitude towards changing our future, but wants to ‘party’ and brings drugs into the picture ‘one last time’. After showing understanding and care he can turn on me and become resentful and undermining immediately. The confusion, when I so want to hear his sincere acceptance of, and apology for his part in the relationship breakdown keeps me in emotional upheaval. I know logically his words and actions are not in sync, but I fall back into it so easily. I see the manipulation and twisted intention on his part, but I love him and find it so difficult to stay objective.
I so easily give in to my desire to escape this reality and accept keeping myself in denial about the person I know lies and manipulates. I find myself giving in to joining what I am sure is not one last time. Giving in like this and the ever present craving for a high leaves me feeling weak. I have the same feeling of weakness when I accept his reaching out for me while he is displaying support, love and his commitment to change. He begs for my patience while he gets help and it is so hard for me to stay in the reality that I can no longer be his support. I have to resist falling back into his charm and our mutual need for the future we envisioned. I know that future is not one we are capable of having, there is too much negative history to overcome. We are both caught in a toxic cycle. The feeling of weakness to the dream is defeating to me, but I have to counter it with the awareness that I will regain my strength simply by making the decision not to focus any longer on what makes me feel weak and instead turn to those things and people who empower and inspire me.
Separating will change everything, in the meantime, I have to find strength to maintain my recovery and stop being sad for the place I have taken myself. It is time to take the power I have successfully built through many seemingly unrecoverable experiences. I have called upon it many times recently and must remain focused on my capability and true spirit. I will not allow any one or anything to make me lose sight of that again. I do not want to be able to so clearly identify with the sadness in this song.
I have come to more completely identify with this song. I was deceiving myself thinking I could bring things back into control after the spiral of addiction had tightened around me. The ending of my relationship caused an escalation in abusive behaviour and left me feeling victimized and my addict voice was strengthened. Once on my own, the time I thought I would spend healing, instead became a more desperate seeking of escape with more desperate measures to find and hide the substance that took me away. I need to seek the help that will prevent me from playing out this song to the end. I don’t want to feel this hopelessness anymore and I am not willing to have this be my ending. I will begin to take small steps toward a new beginning before dependence on a substance makes that impossible.